I haven't been able to sleep well for almost two weeks now. And it's not Ryan's fault: He's a well-rested happy baby who naps well and sleeps almost entirely through the night. I take a lot of credit for that: I've taken this time at home with him seriously, wanting to make sure he's secure and full of good habits he can take to daycare with him, like falling asleep on his own and playing on the floor by himself – with me nearby, of course, but he doesn't need me at his side at all times.
But the thing is, I've started to need him. And that's where the sleeplessness comes in. I'm full of anxiety again, this time over going back to work and putting him in the care of someone else during the day.
It seems like the dumbest idea I've had since he was born, when having him seemed like a dumb idea. So in that way, I know that once he goes to daycare and I go back to work and we make another life adjustment, it'll be fine and happiness will bubble back up again. We'll find a new normal.
But the thought of being away from him for so long gives me an ache I've never had about anything before. And it's an impossible problem, a little ditty called Everything I Don't Want. It goes like this: I don't want to be away from him. I don't want another person to be with him most of his waking hours. I don't want to stay at home permanently, because I don't want to lose my place in my work and I don't want our family to lose that income. But I don't want to work as much as I used to.
So I took that last part and had a meeting yesterday where I asked for reduced hours. And the answer was basically, no. I extended my "re-entry" period, so I'll work three days a week for the month of July and then go back to five days a week in August. And I left that meeting feeling good, because I remembered that I like my work and am looking forward to returning to many aspects of it. And then I came home and saw Ryan and his massive smile, and I spent the rest of the day poking and rubbing and massaging the anxiety until I finally cried about it all. In front of Hunter, who sometimes doesn't see the boy for more than 15 minutes in the morning because he's working so hard. I felt like a jerk.
I know this isn't truly about Ryan. I believe he'll be well cared for in the place he'll go, and I believe daycare won't be the primary reason he'll need therapy as an adult. (I'll give him many, many other reasons for that.) This is mostly about me, and how having him in my life has opened up a part of my heart that I didn't know was there, and how I want to soak in every moment of his infancy because he'll be taller than me for most of his life.
But for now, he's little. And I want to be the one who sees him discover things, like his feet and the sky and how much his mommy loves him.
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3 comments:
This sounds EXACTLY like what kept me up last night!
I hear ya sister! It got really bad for me that last week - I constantly had a lump in my throat even when I wasn't consciously thinking about it. I'll be honest, the first couple of weeks are really hard but it starts to get better after that. It's now 9 months later and while I enjoy being at work and with my co-workers, I race home at the end of the day. It's just like you said, there will be a new normal. I run my errands during lunch and on the weekends now because I don't want to miss an ounce of time with her. And I have to say it's a pretty fabulous feeling when I walk in the door and she gets SO excited to see me. Good luck and treasure all the moments that you have with him.
My heart goes out to all working mothers but I think Julies says it well. it will be the quality time that you spend with him and all the love that you and Hunter and his extended family feel for him that will help him grow up to be a smiling and con fident man and hopefully he WILL be taller than you....but with your gorgeous hair
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